mikeswitzer.com

Okay, so I’m going to write about TV. I’ve been putting this off because this always sound like I sit in front of the TV all day and do nothing else. But that’s not true. At work, I sit in front of a computer all day..

I’ve always enjoyed TV shows – from when I was 10 and had a small black & white portable in my bedroom – to nowadays with my 47” LCD screen in the living room. (I have a plan with my LCD screen. I’m going to hang it on a wall, and record a picture of me standing perfectly still. But every fifteen to twenty minutes I’m going to move slightly, so that visitors aren’t quite sure if the portrait is coming to life, or if they’re losing their minds…)

…This is actually version 2 of the plan. The first version involved me peering through eyeholes in a real picture, and then dressing up as a monster and scaring my guests… But then these 4 meddling kids and their dog turned up and… Ah well, that’s another story.

Note – If the above comment made sense, then you are with me. There are several rules that seem to hold true throughout the world of TV. As part of my ‘Mike Switzer Tells You How To Live’ series, I’ll outline the top 20 below;

1.    EVERYBODY watched Scooby Doo. No matter how old you are, everybody has watched Scooby Doo at some point in their life. Consequently, Scooby Doo has influenced our society overall. Witness how many vertically challenged girls who wear glasses are now in fields of investigation. Witness how many guys with those little stubbly goatee beards cannot hold down a job. Witness how often I go out wearing a cravat, and think I look great.
2.    As a general rule, a show has ‘jumped the shark’ (or is ready for cancellation) the second they introduce a previously unknown family member. (This can either be a new actor, or a previously unknown Brother/Daughter/Son/Father/Mother that is unexpectedly announced). Either way – stop watching the show. It’s not worth it. First and Final example – Scrappy Doo. Scrappy has now gone down in history as the worst example of this trend, so I won’t go on about it here. Oddly, The Bible seemed to pick up a bit when they had the unexpected birth of God’s new son. (Although even that seemed hastily written-in… Where were the two seasons of on-again off-again romance? …They were obviously struggling for ratings).
3.    If someone is introduced as ‘singing live’ that may mean that they are appearing live while miming to a backing track, or were live when it was recorded last week, or one of the words in the prerecorded single is ‘live’. Never will it mean that person is singing in real-time and you are hearing it without enhancement.
4.    If a sniper is a character on any TV show they will glare at the person through the sights for around 90 seconds until they actually get around to pulling the damn trigger.
5.    When they pull the trigger it will always be just after the person they’re aiming at has moved out of the sights..
6.    If they say there is no cure on a medical procedural TV show, that person will die.
7.    If they say there is no cure on any other TV show, you have anywhere between twenty minutes and three episodes before they find the cure.
8.    If someone introduces a dog on a TV show – before the end of that show, it will die saving someone or something. (Unfortunately, in all these cases – there is no cure).
9.    If everything seems great five minutes before the end of your show – something really bad is going to happen before it actually ends.
10.    This is slightly different, but similar to, the American Idol (X-Factor for the English among you) effect – when the judge starts with ‘first of all, you look amazing tonight’… That’s never going to end well. It’s like saying to Picasso ‘Yes – It’s a new camera. The old one just wasn’t photorealistic enough for me. And as we both know – the level of photorealism is directly proportionate to how good a picture is. Which reminds me, where are those paintings you wanted to show me?’
11.    By the same token – if anyone on any reality TV show talks about how they are certain they’ve done really well – They’ve failed.
12.    If they talk about how badly it’s gone – They’ve won.
13.    Anyone appearing on a show with the word ‘celebrity’ in the title, by and large – isn’t a celebrity.
14.    If someone is English on an American TV show, they are either evil, or rich. Or both. (See American Idol).
15.    If someone is American on an English TV show, they are either sex-crazed or John Barrowman. Or both.
16.    If the show finishes a season and is advertised as ‘returning soon’ with no specific date – it’s never returning.
17.    The more people that watch a show, the less people will admit to liking it.
18.    ‘Reality TV’ is a sub-genre of Television in which people are asked to do things they would never normally do in reality.
19.    If you require more Reality in your Reality TV, turn off the TV. What’s left is what we call ‘Reality’.
20.    And finally – If you are American, and really must compare my accent to someone English on TV – make it Patrick Stewart, or Hugh Grant. Not the gecko from the Geico ads…

(Note to English people who may not know the Geico gecko.. It’s a charming, intelligent, witty, sexy character in an ad campaign over here. …That’s why people mistake us. Of course, now I’ve told you that, you don’t need to check this with your American friends.

…Ever).

The website is finally updated – and after one month of work I’ve gone from having a website with some pictures on it and my blog – to a website that has slightly different pictures on it, and my blog…

Well, that was worth it. But one of the other new features is the fact it now updates Facebook automatically. Which is great.

…I think.

Now – I’ve got to confess to something here. When I was at school I was never really the sporty kind. I was into books & computers. Nowadays I would be considered a geek. But unfortunately back then the ‘geek’ was still someone you kept chained in your basement, and fed live chickens. ‘Geek’ as we know it had yet to exist. So people tried other words, in the hope of finding the one that would stick. Let’s just say that none of them were particularly pleasant..

Anyway – the upside of having no social life, is that I used to be able to sit alone in a room with a computer and form a relationship with it…

Yes – I said upside.

I started out with a ZX Spectrum (which no-one in the USA will ever have heard of, but basically it was the first popular UK home computer. Sir Clive Sinclair, who invented it, thought that it would be simpler for someone to – instead of just typing ‘PRINT’ letter by letter – hold down shift and alt and P and that would be quicker. Simple right? So naturally many UK homes had a second computer to remember the key combinations required for the first computer).

Then I worked through several other brands through the years. I was on the pre-internet internet which was, at the time, called Compunet. It was more a bulletin board than anything but you used to be able to meet with other people and then call them direct to.. ahem.. ‘share’ games with them. All this happened at 7.5k speed. To put this in perspective – it’s 7 times slower than dial up at the moment. And we were being billed by the minute. All of which meant that I was unable to use the ‘internet’ after my first month – when my parents got the bill for five hundred pounds. (And this was back when 500 pounds was real money… Although apparently not to a twelve year old).

In short – I’ve always loved working with computers, and gadgets, and technical stuff. And then I was introduced to ‘social’ websites. Now – speaking as a pre-geek. ‘social’ websites are an oxymoron. You know you could just talk to that person, right? You could just call them or travel to their house and see them, right? Try it – It’s like virtual reality – but not virtual.

So I go on Myspace and Facebook and ask people to be my friend. That’s altogether too open for rejection for my liking. I’m laying all my cards on the table – I like you, I want people to know we’re buddies, I want to have a 1/2″ square picture of me on your ‘friend’ space. And I’m going to take all the risk that you may just go – ‘Hey honey, look it’s that weird kid from school that we didn’t have a word for’, and click ‘reject’.

I don’t think so.

And even if someone does accept you as their friend. It’s all happiness and witty banter until you turn up drunk at their house at 3am asking for somewhere to stay. Noooo apparently ‘friend’ doesn’t mean, on Facebook, the same that it means in real life.

Now that brings me to the next point… When I first logged on facebook it asked – ‘What are you thinking about right now?’ Naturally, I typed ‘boobies’.

They could really explain up front that they will then post that information to everybody.. Luckily at that point I only had various home computers from the eighties as friends, so they just thought I’d typed 5319009 upside down and giggled about it.

Then I realised that this was supposed to be an update for people to read. Now if everyone answered the question honestly, when asked ‘What are you thinking about right now?’ – they would all type, ‘I’m trying to think how to be extremely witty and charming in such a way as not to offend any of my 253 friends – but also make them all like me so much that they go speak to their other friends and get them to be my friends as well.’ Of course – no-one would actually type this, because it’s too open and raw and honest…

..And also because apparently we’re not allowed to have any thoughts that exceed 140 characters.

So I kind of got the hang of it. My first real status post asked if the past tense of ‘To Twitter you’ is ‘To Twat you’, and two people liked it. Naturally, being English, I wondered why the rest of them clearly didn’t like it enough to click the little thumbs up icon. And again, being English I vowed to bottle up that resentment and let it eat away at me until the day I die.

But that seemed to be it – just little one-liners ever so often.

…And then someone threw a sheep at me.

To be precise, my beautiful wife threw a sheep at me.

What does that mean? Is it a sign of affection? Surely livestock hurtling toward you can’t say ‘I love you’ any more than flowers, can it? Then other things got thrown at me. A cow. An octopus. Then I got sent quizzes. I didn’t know there would be tests… Is there a minimum level of intelligence required to keep an account open on Facebook? (Answer: No) (Note: If you had to read the answer first, you failed).

When I asked, I was told that the sheep meant I was being ‘superpoked’. Now I never had a problem with the normal level of poke. Why would someone feel the need to make it super? What does it all mean?

Well – I’ll tell you. It means I am officially old. It took 38 years, but I’ve finally had to accept it. From this moment on, I will get up at least twice a night to use the bathroom. I will make a little grunting noise every time I get up off the couch. I will never lift my foot higher than a 45 degree angle from my body. I will check for drafts. I will complain about the noise of anything. And if there is no noise I will say it’s too quiet. I will grow hair in places that hair has no place growing.

But it means I can finally accept that I won’t understand all the new technology that comes along. I can relax and just enjoy life and let everything else pass me by… Just one more thing – if you agree with me please could you click that little thumbs up at the end of the article? Or Digg me? Or visit www.mikeswitzer.com?

..Hey – I might be old, but I still need to maintain my social life…

So it’s finally time for the crazy hairdresser. I’ve waited a while because, well, to be honest it’s not much of a story. It’s more of a punchline – no, scratch that – it’s not even a punchline. It’s just the single, strangest statement I’ve ever heard anybody make. (And I used to work in a comic book and trading card store – I’ve heard a 13 year old kid say “I’ve got nearly all of the cosmic beings – Now I just need to find someone to give me death”. (I offered, obviously.)

Anway – I go to get my haircut. Now, this didn’t used to be a big deal – but since we relocated I’m trying to find someone I actually like, to cut my hair. My problem has always seemed to be that I either go in feeling happy and get someone miserable who doesn’t speak to me – or I go in feeling grumpy and they will not stop asking questions. And usually – if I give them a grunt as an answer – they won’t assume that means ‘I’m grumpy’. No- they’ll assume it means ‘Hey you just haven’t found the right way to get me to open up yet – Please keep asking me questions until you get the right one!’

So I tend to get –

“Been awhile since you got your hair cut then?” (Of course it has – I tend to wait for it to grow before I get it cut again).
“Have any plans for the weekend then?” (Do you really think – if I had plans – I would be sitting here?)
“Weather’s lovely/terrible isn’t it?” (Uh – yes. This kind of question is on a par with those people who ask you if you saw Lost on TV last night – and then, when you say yes, they talk about what happened when you just said you already watched it. As if reliving it will add something to the experience. Of course, recently this has been taken to extremes by American TV. Now – don’t get me wrong, some of the best TV I’ve ever watched has been American. But if I see one more show that ends part 1 with a ‘coming up on…’ and then starts part two with ‘previously…’ and shows me the same stuff I just watched/am about to watch I will go find the spotty little TV executive that allowed it and shout ‘You know what’s coming up?…’ and punch him. Then punch him again and say ‘told you so’.. Then shout ‘Oh, And previously…’ and punch him again. Oh you get the picture. Anyway – hairdressers…)

So I walk into a new hairdresser and wait my turn. The lady comes to find me and says come on through – I get up and she introduces herself then shakes my hand. I’m not sure why, but that seems weird. When a Bank Manager shakes your hand it’s because you’ve refinanced your home. I don’t want my haircut to feel like the same level of responsibility as when I sell my house. It implies there’s all kind of things that could go wrong.

I sit in the seat and she asks me what I’d like done – I explain ‘grade 3 back and sides – leave it longer on top to cover where I’m losing my hair’. She says okay and –

…No – wait. If you are a hairdresser and you’re reading this. If I ever say leave it longer on top to cover where I’m losing my hair – the correct answer is ‘Where?’. And for bonus points – ‘Where? I can’t believe you think you’re losing your hair it’s so luscious and thick’

…Which she did not say. So strike one.

So she starts cutting my hair and asking me about the weather (If only she had some method for seeing what the weather is like outside – some kind of see-through wall of some kind…). As she’s doing it she looks at me and says ‘would you like me to trim those eyebrows for you while I’m at it?’

…Now – first of all – No. Because I’m not a girl. Ladies ‘trim’. Men never trim – or they certainly don’t pay someone to trim them if they do. If they did, they would do it alone in a room that’s locked. With the light out.

Secondly – a second ago I was Baldy McBald of Baldingtown. Now I have a face like Chewbacca. What’s going on?

I take all the above and sum it up succinctly with – ‘No thanks’.

She says – “Oh, I guess you want to keep them for work… to intimidate people”.

…

…

…And there you go ladies and gentlemen. The single strangest sentence I will ever hear uttered. What can she think I do for a living? Why would I need eyebrows to intimidate people?! Or is she mistaking eyebrows for – you know – lions, or something?

Ironically, I raised my lions eyebrows when she said that, and politely explained that I thought she had enough to worry about with just my hair. Apparently she took offense at this as I clearly shouldn’t have asked her to do the thing that I was under the impression I was paying her to do. I should allow her to go off shaving and clipping any parts of my head that don’t fit her worldview. Unfortunately, I was beginning to think her worldview involved a rose-tint of some kind, and entirely too many cats.

Anyway. I got out alive – and I got a haircut. And actually quite a nice one at that. So now I have to decide whether to go see the crazy lady and get a good haircut, or continue my pilgrimage through barbers across the MidWest.

Unfortunately, it’s a curse I’ll have to live with. I can’t afford to wait – I’ve got such a thick, lustrous growth on top of my head it’ll grow out before I know it.

…Won’t it?

….WON’T IT?!