So it’s finally time for the crazy hairdresser. I’ve waited a while because, well, to be honest it’s not much of a story. It’s more of a punchline – no, scratch that – it’s not even a punchline. It’s just the single, strangest statement I’ve ever heard anybody make. (And I used to work in a comic book and trading card store – I’ve heard a 13 year old kid say “I’ve got nearly all of the cosmic beings – Now I just need to find someone to give me death”. (I offered, obviously.)
Anway – I go to get my haircut. Now, this didn’t used to be a big deal – but since we relocated I’m trying to find someone I actually like, to cut my hair. My problem has always seemed to be that I either go in feeling happy and get someone miserable who doesn’t speak to me – or I go in feeling grumpy and they will not stop asking questions. And usually – if I give them a grunt as an answer – they won’t assume that means ‘I’m grumpy’. No- they’ll assume it means ‘Hey you just haven’t found the right way to get me to open up yet – Please keep asking me questions until you get the right one!’
So I tend to get –
“Been awhile since you got your hair cut then?” (Of course it has – I tend to wait for it to grow before I get it cut again).
“Have any plans for the weekend then?” (Do you really think – if I had plans – I would be sitting here?)
“Weather’s lovely/terrible isn’t it?” (Uh – yes. This kind of question is on a par with those people who ask you if you saw Lost on TV last night – and then, when you say yes, they talk about what happened when you just said you already watched it. As if reliving it will add something to the experience. Of course, recently this has been taken to extremes by American TV. Now – don’t get me wrong, some of the best TV I’ve ever watched has been American. But if I see one more show that ends part 1 with a ‘coming up on…’ and then starts part two with ‘previously…’ and shows me the same stuff I just watched/am about to watch I will go find the spotty little TV executive that allowed it and shout ‘You know what’s coming up?…’ and punch him. Then punch him again and say ‘told you so’.. Then shout ‘Oh, And previously…’ and punch him again. Oh you get the picture. Anyway – hairdressers…)
So I walk into a new hairdresser and wait my turn. The lady comes to find me and says come on through – I get up and she introduces herself then shakes my hand. I’m not sure why, but that seems weird. When a Bank Manager shakes your hand it’s because you’ve refinanced your home. I don’t want my haircut to feel like the same level of responsibility as when I sell my house. It implies there’s all kind of things that could go wrong.
I sit in the seat and she asks me what I’d like done – I explain ‘grade 3 back and sides – leave it longer on top to cover where I’m losing my hair’. She says okay and –
…No – wait. If you are a hairdresser and you’re reading this. If I ever say leave it longer on top to cover where I’m losing my hair – the correct answer is ‘Where?’. And for bonus points – ‘Where? I can’t believe you think you’re losing your hair it’s so luscious and thick’
…Which she did not say. So strike one.
So she starts cutting my hair and asking me about the weather (If only she had some method for seeing what the weather is like outside – some kind of see-through wall of some kind…). As she’s doing it she looks at me and says ‘would you like me to trim those eyebrows for you while I’m at it?’
…Now – first of all – No. Because I’m not a girl. Ladies ‘trim’. Men never trim – or they certainly don’t pay someone to trim them if they do. If they did, they would do it alone in a room that’s locked. With the light out.
Secondly – a second ago I was Baldy McBald of Baldingtown. Now I have a face like Chewbacca. What’s going on?
I take all the above and sum it up succinctly with – ‘No thanks’.
She says – “Oh, I guess you want to keep them for work… to intimidate people”.
…And there you go ladies and gentlemen. The single strangest sentence I will ever hear uttered. What can she think I do for a living? Why would I need eyebrows to intimidate people?! Or is she mistaking eyebrows for – you know – lions, or something?
Ironically, I raised my lions eyebrows when she said that, and politely explained that I thought she had enough to worry about with just my hair. Apparently she took offense at this as I clearly shouldn’t have asked her to do the thing that I was under the impression I was paying her to do. I should allow her to go off shaving and clipping any parts of my head that don’t fit her worldview. Unfortunately, I was beginning to think her worldview involved a rose-tint of some kind, and entirely too many cats.
Anyway. I got out alive – and I got a haircut. And actually quite a nice one at that. So now I have to decide whether to go see the crazy lady and get a good haircut, or continue my pilgrimage through barbers across the MidWest.
Unfortunately, it’s a curse I’ll have to live with. I can’t afford to wait – I’ve got such a thick, lustrous growth on top of my head it’ll grow out before I know it.