Today I went to see Star Trek at the cinema. I liked it. Then I came home and read about it on the internet. Now – given most of what I write ends up on the internet I thought twice about writing this… But I think I’ve officially had enough…

‘Of what?’ I hear you ask. (Although, clearly I don’t hear you – and I’m fairly sure you didn’t say it out loud. If you did – you have larger problems than the point I’m about to make).

Anyway – My beautiful wife & I found ourselves with a joint day off – and no kids. So we decided to go see a good movie. Now, we’ve both been fans of Star Trek in the past (although not Trekkies or Trekkers or Truckers or Trickers or Snickers or whatever they call themselves) – but we had lost our interest in recent years.

(As a side note – I used to sell merchandise at Star Trek conventions. The last one I attended I was confronted by two ‘klingons’ (for ‘klingon’, read people wearing makeup and costumes and then trying to act tough). These ‘klingons’ would only speak Klingon (surprisingly, the language of Klingons. In the same way as people in the USA speak America and I speak England)… And they refused to speak in any Earth-based language even when I was screaming at them that it was all made up and therefore could not be their first language if, indeed, they had managed to master one yet.))

So – we went to see the movie on a Monday morning at 11:30am. I had suspected it would be a quiet screening and we could relax and enjoy the movie. Before we went to the cinema we stopped at Walmart and bought several pants-pocket sized boxes of candy so we could smuggle them in. We actually found ourselves considering what to do if they were searching people for illegal candy purchased outside of their kiosk. Then it occurred to me then that I’m in a country where they would be fine with finding a gun – but illicit candy would get me ejected from the movie…

We used our best ninja/candy smuggling skills and got through security (well, Angela behind the counter), and entered screen 9. There were around 20 people. Sat in the middle of the cinema was what I can only describe as the ultimate Trekster. (Yes, let’s settle on Trekster for now). I mean no disrespect to any Star Trek fan out there (I’m one of them) – but there is a stereotype for a reason. And today I met him. Let me explain why –

He was taking up approximately one butt-cheek per seat.

He had a garbage can full of popcorn to his right.

He had a propane tank of coke in front of him.

And he had his imaginary girlfriend to the left.

He smelt like lonely.

I smiled at him as we sat down and he gave me a look that said, ‘You are clearly attempting to illicit an emotional response from me in order to connect in a, frankly, shallow and meaningless fashion. I find that action illogical and – while not attempting to emulate my hero, Spock – I find myself in the unique situation of being able to register a level of disdain by raising my eyebrow in the fashion that he would employ in any of the previous movies or TV shows in which Mr. Nimoy has played the character most excellently’.

…Although I may be overthinking it. It may also be that, for him, raising one eyebrow is considered a morning workout.

So – the movie started. Awesome. Really enjoyed it. Go see it if you can. If you don’t like it – we must like different things. Sorry about that.

But if you don’t like it – do me a favor. Don’t go on the internet and write a ‘review’ that essentially tells other people they are wrong for not agreeing with you. Don’t tell me I’m an idiot for enjoying a movie. Don’t tell me it was badly written and that I’m not capable of understanding higher concepts.

Here’s the thing – I’m not stupid. My daughter is in Mensa. (Yeah, I agree, that would have been more effective if I could have said I’m in Mensa – but unfortunately I came up one point too short. Possibly the worst parenting I’ve ever been responsible for was when I was told that she had got in, and I had missed out – and I asked them to recheck the results as I was sure they should mean the other way around. Possibly if I was one point more intelligent I wouldn’t have asked them. And if I was two points more intelligent I wouldn’t have written that in a blog my daughter will no doubt read).

(Montana – If you do read this – the above was a joke, or it wasn’t and your Mom was the one who asked to recheck. Pick which one is more believable and go with that. Please let me know to avoid any more embarrassing incidents like this…)

So – movie good – Dad dumb. But not that dumb. I went to school, and college, and I’ve read books. Proper books. With no pictures. And chapters. And I can’t believe how irritating some of the people who write internet reviews/comments are.

First of all, any review that starts with you generally not liking a movie because it hasn’t got the actors you wanted in it are kind of missing an obvious point. Much as I love them – the surviving original guys are really old. No-one wants to watch a movie about old people unless it stars either Paul Newman or Meryl Streep. Particularly a sci-fi movie. People tend to want to watch fast shooty things that go ‘phwee!’ when they watch sci-fi.

(Oh, and don’t get me started on people that don’t like it being called ‘sci-fi’ – ‘because it’s actually science fiction’. And then they tell you it’s not science fiction at all because it involves things that aren’t scientifically proven and therefore should be ‘fantasy’. Here’s the deal – you are wrong. We call a door a door because most people agree it’s a door. Therefore if most people think a science fiction (or sci-fi, which – whether you like it or not – is actually short for science fiction) movie has spaceships and things that light up and time travel… Then IT IS.)

Now – knowing you people (no, not you – I mean the guy that doesn’t like it being called ‘sci-fi’.) as I do, you are probably saying something about that being very populist and that gradually we’ll all disappear down a drain of lowest common denominator. Here’s the interesting thing about that. You’re wrong again. Wow – for someone so smart you are certainly Mr. Ron Wrongster from Wrongtown today, aren’t you?

Defining something by the populist definition doesn’t mean things get dumber. Everyone being happy and content with the simplest of things also doesn’t mean things get dumber. Generally speaking, people who don’t listen to others and don’t consider their opinions, and don’t learn from them… They get dumber. (And yes, I’m conscious I’m doing the exact same thing to you – but in fairness, I’m trying to make reasoned arguments why I believe you are wrong – and also, I’m fairly dumb, and I accept that).

If I find the smell of a flower the most amazing thing in the world, and I need no more stimulation. That doesn’t make me dumb. If I enjoy Shakespeare and find his words the only ones that speak to me – that doesn’t make me more clever than the next guy. (Although it does make me about 400 years old).

So don’t even begin to tell me that just because I enjoy a movie – I’m dumb. And don’t tell me ‘Spock wouldn’t do that’ or ‘Kirk wouldn’t do that’ because;

a. They’re not real, and
b. You don’t know them (primarily because of point ‘a’ – but also because, even if they did exist – they wouldn’t hang around with you.)

Regardless of how vivid your imagination is, you didn’t meet them, have drinks with them, or become friends with them – and no person’s viewpoint is less valid than your own. (Except, possibly, your imaginary girlfriend).

And talking of the audience. Don’t speak for them. Don’t tell me they were all really disappointed unless you spoke to each of them invidually and got a viewpoint. And don’t tell me you did – because you didn’t. They had all got out of the screening by the time you’d leveraged your left buttock out.

I just read a note from someone who commented on the low intelligence of people who clap at the end of the movie. You see, he’d heard four or five people clap at the end – and asked why they would bother doing that when there was no-one to hear it. Ergo – they’re stupid. Then he went home and posted this on the internet. To be clear – he made a lot of noise when there was no-one else nearby. He didn’t ask for feedback, or comment, or discourse. But of course, he’s so intelligent he didn’t see the parallel. Somehow he thought his voice was more valid or important than the people in the cinema. (Note – I bet the people who clapped were there with their friends. See a pattern yet?)

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the people who discuss their disappointment with the fact that the physics of a black hole aren’t accurately represented in a movie with time travel and aliens. While I’m open to the idea that aliens exist. I’m fairly sure Vulcans don’t. And if they do – one called Spock doesn’t. And if he does, he’s gonna come over here and kick your butt for pretending to be his friend.

In short – if you have to insult other people, just tell your friends when they’re in the same room as you. If you can’t get any friends to be in the same room with you… Consider the reason, before you go find somewhere else to vent.

…Phew. Now that’s out of the way.. I liked the movie. It was shiny and had big explosions. Mmmm… Shiny….

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