So today a friend wrote some stuff, and that reminded me that I should update the Three Little Words Project. I thought I’d be bold and take today’s (5/25/10) date – regardless of the results. Based on Google Trends as of this moment, the top searched keywords are;

1. Nate Berkus show.
2. eHarmony.
3. eHarmony login.

Now I know the latter two are essentially the same – but I didn’t make the rules…

..Oh wait. Yes I did.

Anyway, once again – I had to Google Nate Berkus to find out who he/she/it was. Turns out she/it’s a he. And he is the owner of ‘Chicago’s most sought after interior design firm’ (Which is barely a compliment. I would like to know why they’re searching for him?)

Apparently today he left ‘Oprah’ to pursue his own show. It’s called, surprisingly, the Nate Berkus Show, and I can’t find anything online about what it will involve. I’m guessing he will arrive at a couple’s house, tell them how poorly they live, redecorate in a way only a Mother could love – then reveal the change with a swish of flouncy shirt and watch as the couple go through the natural emotions of;

1. Shock.
2. Surprise.
3. Realization it looks like something a freshman Art student would produce.
4. Anger.
5. Suppression as they realize the cameras are rolling.
6. Forced grin, and tears that they tell us are ‘happy tears’. But they’re not.

So good luck Nate. I hope they never catch up with you.

Then I looked up eHarmony news for today.

There was an interview with the CEO of eHarmony which talked about the ‘algorithm’ they use for matching people. The interviewers (Nightline – ABC) were also talking to people who had met through eHarmony and were asking them if they were getting married. Because, of course, that’s the only point at which you really love someone. Until then you’re just a drain on their disposable income. (Not my words – those of Nightline. I would imagine.). I’m also guessing a fair proportion of those couples weren’t terribly impressed with being put on the spot in the middle of a reasonably pleasant dinner. If you’re a guy and someone asks you if you would marry the lady you are dining with – there are only three possible outcomes;

1. You say yes. She thinks you’re too clingy and leaves.
2. You say no. She thinks you’re a dick. And leaves.
3. You break down and cry under the pressure. She leaves – with the cameraman.

I’m fairly sure the algorithm wouldn’t take too much thought to calculate though… Presuming you want to be 10/10 –

If you are over 18 and live in your Mother’s basement : -1
If you sleep in your Mother’s bed : -10
If you lock your Mother in your basement : +/-5 (Depends on the Mother)
If you like Doctor Who : -1
If you dress like Doctor Who : -10
If you think you are Doctor Who : -/+10 (Depending on whether or not you are actually the Doctor).
If you have ever used the phrase ‘bigger on the inside’ as a ‘Doctor Who joke’ : -50
If you like football : +2
If you like playing football : +5
If you like playing football online : -25
If you have ever played a game that only uses dice and no board : -25
If you wore the ‘gauntlet of despair’ while playing : -25
If the gauntlet of despair was actually a mitten : -50
If the gauntlet of despair was, in any way, attached via a piece of string to the other mitten : -100

Essentially, I’m saying that the sum of ‘Proximity to Mother’ + ‘Doctor Who’ + ‘Mittens’ multiplied by ‘Football’ (divided by the number of times that football game has been ‘in the Matrix’) = Loveability.

This is why those internet videos of cats do so well. Cats are usually far away from their Mother when they grow up. They are not, nor have they every been, Doctor Who. They are sometimes called Mittens, but rarely wear them. And if you give them a ball they will do that bat-bat thing with their feet – but they will never bat-bat if you show them a ball on the TV. Cats are therefore extremely loveable. In fact, if you Google ‘loveable cats’ you will get 6,430,000 results. However – if you Google ‘mother Doctor Who mittens’ you will get only 292,000 results.

Clearly this proves my point.

Although to be fair and impartial about my clearly correct point of view – The latter search also introduced me to the Blog ‘’ (as the first hit). This appears to be a blog where a lady lets us know about her baby, Mittens, and what she gets up to. It’s charming. Just to be clear – this Mittens may undermine my entire formula.

This particular ‘Mittens’ is extremely cute. Now – In a crazy world where ‘Mittens’ can, in fact, be extremely loveable – The potential is there that my entire algorithm could by inverted. In that case, it’s even possible that you could be loved even if you do live in your Mother’s basement.

However, don’t get your hopes up. I’m guessing the love, in this scenario, would come from a still-on-the-run Nate Berkus looking to give your basement a makeover.

…Well, you take what you can get.

Image courtesy of Dog-GoneKnit

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>